Cell phone rings...
Me: "Hellllo?"
Caller: "Is this Kathryn?"
Me: "Yes it is!"
Caller: "Good morning, it's Dr. O'Brian. I hope I'm not waking you."
Me: "Not even a little. I've been up working since 5!"
Caller: "Okay, well I got the results back from the biopsy."
Me: "Awesome."
Caller: "And I think you need to come in."
My stomach dropped.
Me: "Well, I've seen enough movies and tv to know what you're going to say, so lay it on me."
Caller: "Okay. The results came back as cancer. I am so sorry."
Me: "Huh. Hmm. Okay. (Deep sigh). Soooooo...hmm."
Caller: "It is a High Grade Adenoma Carcinoma favoring the cervix. I need you to come in because we need to discuss next steps." (I don't remember hearing any of this but I know he said it.)
Me: (Trying to keep my voice steady and calm - but failing miserably) "Okay, I need to call James and I'm going to need you to order me some Xanax right now."
Caller: "I don't usually prescribe that because it's not..."
Me: "Ya do today! I have shit to do and if you read my notes, you'll know I have a long history of anxiety and panic attacks and I'm pretty sure I have one coming."
Caller: "Okay. When you come in, I'll write you a prescription but you need to come in today. I'll have my nurse call you and set that up, okay?"
Me: "Sure. Whatever."
Caller: "I'm so sorry."
Me: (Breaths coming at a faster rate and voice shaky) "Thanks. Bye."
Yep. I just got diagnosed with cancer.
I took my phone and started texting James to call me. Then I texted him to say it was an emergency. Then I realized I was being retarded and just needed to call him because I couldn't stand waiting the 30 seconds it would take for him to finally read those texts.
He immediately answered, "Hey babe." I knew at this point by the calmness and smile in his voice that he hadn't even seen those two texts yet. With shaky breaths followed by a shaky voice I told him, "Uhh...the doctor just called me and told me the biopsy came back as cancer. Oh shit. Shit." And at this point, I'd been pacing around the back yard and finally planted my ass on the concrete retaining wall by the pool. Deep breaths and finally crying.
"Do you need me to come home?! I'm coming home. You want me home? I'm coming home! I'm so sorry babe, I'm coming home right now."
Crying, "Okay."
James: "I love you. I'm coming home."
Me: "Okay...I love you too"
We got off the phone and I paced around the pool and cried...and then I realized I needed to pull it together and fast because my 12 year old daughter was going to be coming downstairs to have some breakfast any minute as it was a big state testing day for her at school. I needed to suck it up and fake it.
I came into the house and wiped away my tears just to find more falling down my cheeks. This was an impossible task - good god, why wasn't I able to tap into my junior high and high school days of drama class and shut it off?! So, I just walked around the kitchen when she sat down to eat and play on her phone and she looked at me, "What's wrong?"
"Oh nothing," I smiled, "I think I'm just really hormonal today." I laughed to show how silly I was clearly being and, boy aren't hormones a bitch.
She looked at me a little skeptical, but seemed to accept it nonetheless. As the clock ticked down closer to when she needed to leave for the bus stop, I came up behind her and hugged her tight and the tears kept coming and I kept blowing them off like nothing was the matter.
"Mom, are you okay? Are you dying?" and we both laughed.
"No silly, I just love you so much and like I said, my hormones are just being a butthole today. You know how it is."
She knew how hormones could cause weird emotional bursts and seemed to mostly accept it. She grabbed her stuff for school and headed to the door where we gave each other our European cheek to cheek kisses, but this time I pulled her in for a hug. I wished her good luck on her test and to have an amazing day at school and I told her I loved her (that part was all normal for us) . She told me she loved me too. And one more time she looked back and asked if I was okay...I told her I was absolutely fine. When I closed the door to her walking down our sidewalk to her bus stop for her normal day at school, I was now ready to cry and prepare myself for my not-so-normal day.
I called my boss and her cheerful chirpy voice came across the line with her usual, "Good morning, sunshine!!"
And I couldn't help but return the upbeat tone because I wasn't ready to completely fall apart. What I thought was a calm expression of what was happening of what my doctor said and letting her know that I'd need to go to another appointment that day and how sorry I was that we're so busy at work and I'd be a little behind...was all actually me nervously laughing and smiling and joking and in the end, sounding a bit crazed.
She stopped me mid-rush, and told me to stop apologizing about work as it was just work. She was trying to bring me down from my craziness and get me focused on what mattered and to just take a moment and breathe. She let me know she would do what she could to help lift the load of my files and I needed to just take care of me.
I got off the phone and felt better. I also felt numb.
My boyfriend was leaving his shift and coming home from Bellevue and until he got here, I was alone with my thoughts.
I could hear myself as I walked around saying out loud, "Nope! Nope! Not me! No." just trying to shut my brain up.
The phone rang and it was the nurse scheduling my appointment for when James got home so we could go together.
Cancer.
Surgery.
Chemotherapy.
Radiation.
Pain.
Poking and prodding.
Farrah scared and helplessly watching.
James scared and helplessly watching while also having more information to the realities of what's happening.
My parents and my brothers, oh god, we just lost my 48 year old cousin to breast cancer. How were they going to take this? How was the whole family going to take this news? My entire extended family just saw each two weeks prior to celebrate Jen's celebration of life and now this?
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!!!
Cancer. Jesus fucking christ, I'm not supposed to have this in my body and here I was walking around my house knowing the body I've always had was now going to be a hell of a lot different and the awesome life I had was going to be thrown a bit of a curve ball.
Me: "Hellllo?"
Caller: "Is this Kathryn?"
Me: "Yes it is!"
Caller: "Good morning, it's Dr. O'Brian. I hope I'm not waking you."
Me: "Not even a little. I've been up working since 5!"
Caller: "Okay, well I got the results back from the biopsy."
Me: "Awesome."
Caller: "And I think you need to come in."
My stomach dropped.
Me: "Well, I've seen enough movies and tv to know what you're going to say, so lay it on me."
Caller: "Okay. The results came back as cancer. I am so sorry."
Me: "Huh. Hmm. Okay. (Deep sigh). Soooooo...hmm."
Caller: "It is a High Grade Adenoma Carcinoma favoring the cervix. I need you to come in because we need to discuss next steps." (I don't remember hearing any of this but I know he said it.)
Me: (Trying to keep my voice steady and calm - but failing miserably) "Okay, I need to call James and I'm going to need you to order me some Xanax right now."
Caller: "I don't usually prescribe that because it's not..."
Me: "Ya do today! I have shit to do and if you read my notes, you'll know I have a long history of anxiety and panic attacks and I'm pretty sure I have one coming."
Caller: "Okay. When you come in, I'll write you a prescription but you need to come in today. I'll have my nurse call you and set that up, okay?"
Me: "Sure. Whatever."
Caller: "I'm so sorry."
Me: (Breaths coming at a faster rate and voice shaky) "Thanks. Bye."
Yep. I just got diagnosed with cancer.
I took my phone and started texting James to call me. Then I texted him to say it was an emergency. Then I realized I was being retarded and just needed to call him because I couldn't stand waiting the 30 seconds it would take for him to finally read those texts.
He immediately answered, "Hey babe." I knew at this point by the calmness and smile in his voice that he hadn't even seen those two texts yet. With shaky breaths followed by a shaky voice I told him, "Uhh...the doctor just called me and told me the biopsy came back as cancer. Oh shit. Shit." And at this point, I'd been pacing around the back yard and finally planted my ass on the concrete retaining wall by the pool. Deep breaths and finally crying.
"Do you need me to come home?! I'm coming home. You want me home? I'm coming home! I'm so sorry babe, I'm coming home right now."
Crying, "Okay."
James: "I love you. I'm coming home."
Me: "Okay...I love you too"
We got off the phone and I paced around the pool and cried...and then I realized I needed to pull it together and fast because my 12 year old daughter was going to be coming downstairs to have some breakfast any minute as it was a big state testing day for her at school. I needed to suck it up and fake it.
I came into the house and wiped away my tears just to find more falling down my cheeks. This was an impossible task - good god, why wasn't I able to tap into my junior high and high school days of drama class and shut it off?! So, I just walked around the kitchen when she sat down to eat and play on her phone and she looked at me, "What's wrong?"
"Oh nothing," I smiled, "I think I'm just really hormonal today." I laughed to show how silly I was clearly being and, boy aren't hormones a bitch.
She looked at me a little skeptical, but seemed to accept it nonetheless. As the clock ticked down closer to when she needed to leave for the bus stop, I came up behind her and hugged her tight and the tears kept coming and I kept blowing them off like nothing was the matter.
"Mom, are you okay? Are you dying?" and we both laughed.
"No silly, I just love you so much and like I said, my hormones are just being a butthole today. You know how it is."
She knew how hormones could cause weird emotional bursts and seemed to mostly accept it. She grabbed her stuff for school and headed to the door where we gave each other our European cheek to cheek kisses, but this time I pulled her in for a hug. I wished her good luck on her test and to have an amazing day at school and I told her I loved her (that part was all normal for us) . She told me she loved me too. And one more time she looked back and asked if I was okay...I told her I was absolutely fine. When I closed the door to her walking down our sidewalk to her bus stop for her normal day at school, I was now ready to cry and prepare myself for my not-so-normal day.
I called my boss and her cheerful chirpy voice came across the line with her usual, "Good morning, sunshine!!"
And I couldn't help but return the upbeat tone because I wasn't ready to completely fall apart. What I thought was a calm expression of what was happening of what my doctor said and letting her know that I'd need to go to another appointment that day and how sorry I was that we're so busy at work and I'd be a little behind...was all actually me nervously laughing and smiling and joking and in the end, sounding a bit crazed.
She stopped me mid-rush, and told me to stop apologizing about work as it was just work. She was trying to bring me down from my craziness and get me focused on what mattered and to just take a moment and breathe. She let me know she would do what she could to help lift the load of my files and I needed to just take care of me.
I got off the phone and felt better. I also felt numb.
My boyfriend was leaving his shift and coming home from Bellevue and until he got here, I was alone with my thoughts.
I could hear myself as I walked around saying out loud, "Nope! Nope! Not me! No." just trying to shut my brain up.
The phone rang and it was the nurse scheduling my appointment for when James got home so we could go together.
Cancer.
Surgery.
Chemotherapy.
Radiation.
Pain.
Poking and prodding.
Farrah scared and helplessly watching.
James scared and helplessly watching while also having more information to the realities of what's happening.
My parents and my brothers, oh god, we just lost my 48 year old cousin to breast cancer. How were they going to take this? How was the whole family going to take this news? My entire extended family just saw each two weeks prior to celebrate Jen's celebration of life and now this?
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!!!!
Cancer. Jesus fucking christ, I'm not supposed to have this in my body and here I was walking around my house knowing the body I've always had was now going to be a hell of a lot different and the awesome life I had was going to be thrown a bit of a curve ball.
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