When I started sharing with people of my cancer, the main question I would get was "Have you told Farrah?"
I hadn't.
While I was digesting that my whole world was being turned upside down...my daughter was in Mexico. I wasn't going to tell her right before she left nor over the phone while she was there. I needed to tell her because it was awful hiding it.
I contacted her father a couple days before she was leaving to come home to let him know that I needed to pick her up the night she flies in. This didn't go over well as there were other arrangements made for her. However, I couldn't back down on what I knew I had to do. While I knew this was temporarily inconvenient for him and his plans...I knew telling Farrah about me was going to be much worse than any kind of inconvenience anyone would experience.
I talked it over with my parents as to the best approach to tell her. In the car? Face to face? I was at a loss. How was I supposed to tell her? The thing that made this very hard for me was knowing what Farrah's experience with cancer had been. Her sister-in-law, Joanie, had suffered with breast cancer, but she didn't get to see her much during her treatment and she hadn't been told how bad it was for her. The most she knew about Joanie was when she and I went to visit Joanie and Alex to see how things were going. They shared a lot of what she'd been going through, how she was feeling, and the type of treatments she was getting and the ones coming up. It had still been fairly early in the process, but she'd already been put through the ringer. We watched as Farrah's brother became a softer version of himself to ensure Joanie was comfortable. It was endearing, but hard to see, too. They'd had to make some serious adjustments in their life to be certain she felt as best as she could. The only other experience was the one that worried me the most. My cousin Jen. There were many times that my daughter saw my cousin in rough shape - very tired and difficulty getting around. But my cousin was only 6 years older than me. She'd suffered with her battle with cancer for years and had only just passed away in December. While Jen was going through her fight in her last few months, Farrah and I would talk about it regularly. I wanted to be sure she understood what her cousins were going through and how tough this was on the whole family. Jen's youngest daughter is 2 years older than Farrah, and it killed me back then trying to even fathom what Jen was going through with the knowledge she would be leaving her kids, let alone a 14 year old daughter.
So...here I was in a position to tell my daughter only months after losing Jen that I had cancer, too.
I picked Farrah up from her grandma Rita's house and got her stuff put in my car around midnight. We started driving back to my parents' house since I was west of the mountains and I felt awkward. I felt like I was about to make a big confession. I felt like I was breaking up with a boyfriend or something. I was freaking nervous! And when I'm nervous, I handle things weirdly. I laughed. I told her I needed to talk to her about something while we were driving (See? I couldn't even wait to sit her down and talk face to face.) and I had a lightness about my delivery to her.
Me: So, I need to talk to you about something.
Farrah: 'Kay
Me: You know how I've been having all those problems with bleeding and I told you that I needed a surgery for it?
Farrah: Yeah
Me: Well, the reason my small surgery turned into a bigger surgery is because they found out I have cancer.
Farrah: Okaaaay
Me: But everything will be fine because I'm going in on Monday and they're going to take it all out. I'm nervous for the surgery because that's going to suck, but I have awesome doctors that have been taking care of me and are moving fast to make sure I can get it out of my body and get better.
Farrah: (Crickets)
Me: So, I don't want you to worry because this isn't like Jen or Joanie because it's a totally different cancer and I won't have to go through chemo or radiation - just a surgery.
Farrah: And that'll take care of it?
Me: Yes. Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Farrah: No.
And that was how I told my kid. I didn't want to make it a big thing and I didn't want to scare her because once the surgery was over with, there'd be nothing to worry about except how long it would take me to heal. The shitty thing about it was that I felt I downplayed it so much with her, that she didn't fully grasp what I'd told her. It wasn't until later that she would.
I hadn't.
While I was digesting that my whole world was being turned upside down...my daughter was in Mexico. I wasn't going to tell her right before she left nor over the phone while she was there. I needed to tell her because it was awful hiding it.
I contacted her father a couple days before she was leaving to come home to let him know that I needed to pick her up the night she flies in. This didn't go over well as there were other arrangements made for her. However, I couldn't back down on what I knew I had to do. While I knew this was temporarily inconvenient for him and his plans...I knew telling Farrah about me was going to be much worse than any kind of inconvenience anyone would experience.
I talked it over with my parents as to the best approach to tell her. In the car? Face to face? I was at a loss. How was I supposed to tell her? The thing that made this very hard for me was knowing what Farrah's experience with cancer had been. Her sister-in-law, Joanie, had suffered with breast cancer, but she didn't get to see her much during her treatment and she hadn't been told how bad it was for her. The most she knew about Joanie was when she and I went to visit Joanie and Alex to see how things were going. They shared a lot of what she'd been going through, how she was feeling, and the type of treatments she was getting and the ones coming up. It had still been fairly early in the process, but she'd already been put through the ringer. We watched as Farrah's brother became a softer version of himself to ensure Joanie was comfortable. It was endearing, but hard to see, too. They'd had to make some serious adjustments in their life to be certain she felt as best as she could. The only other experience was the one that worried me the most. My cousin Jen. There were many times that my daughter saw my cousin in rough shape - very tired and difficulty getting around. But my cousin was only 6 years older than me. She'd suffered with her battle with cancer for years and had only just passed away in December. While Jen was going through her fight in her last few months, Farrah and I would talk about it regularly. I wanted to be sure she understood what her cousins were going through and how tough this was on the whole family. Jen's youngest daughter is 2 years older than Farrah, and it killed me back then trying to even fathom what Jen was going through with the knowledge she would be leaving her kids, let alone a 14 year old daughter.
So...here I was in a position to tell my daughter only months after losing Jen that I had cancer, too.
I picked Farrah up from her grandma Rita's house and got her stuff put in my car around midnight. We started driving back to my parents' house since I was west of the mountains and I felt awkward. I felt like I was about to make a big confession. I felt like I was breaking up with a boyfriend or something. I was freaking nervous! And when I'm nervous, I handle things weirdly. I laughed. I told her I needed to talk to her about something while we were driving (See? I couldn't even wait to sit her down and talk face to face.) and I had a lightness about my delivery to her.
Me: So, I need to talk to you about something.
Farrah: 'Kay
Me: You know how I've been having all those problems with bleeding and I told you that I needed a surgery for it?
Farrah: Yeah
Me: Well, the reason my small surgery turned into a bigger surgery is because they found out I have cancer.
Farrah: Okaaaay
Me: But everything will be fine because I'm going in on Monday and they're going to take it all out. I'm nervous for the surgery because that's going to suck, but I have awesome doctors that have been taking care of me and are moving fast to make sure I can get it out of my body and get better.
Farrah: (Crickets)
Me: So, I don't want you to worry because this isn't like Jen or Joanie because it's a totally different cancer and I won't have to go through chemo or radiation - just a surgery.
Farrah: And that'll take care of it?
Me: Yes. Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Farrah: No.
And that was how I told my kid. I didn't want to make it a big thing and I didn't want to scare her because once the surgery was over with, there'd be nothing to worry about except how long it would take me to heal. The shitty thing about it was that I felt I downplayed it so much with her, that she didn't fully grasp what I'd told her. It wasn't until later that she would.
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