From the moment he found out, James has been with me. He left work and rushed home when I told him and the people at his station quickly helped send him on his way and wished us both well.
James and I have both had our falling-apart moments, but we've also been incredibly optimistic. Although we've both put on a brave face and do what we can to be positive, every once in a while we'd shed some tears because this isn't like getting a tooth pulled...this is major surgery to remove cancer from my body. We're scared and we're sad.
I've had many nights on our front porch either sitting in the chair next to him or sitting on his lap while we held each other. He had a major golf tournament that he's played in for several years and was ready to cancel it if I said the word. I didn't say it because I was fully aware that the last night of the tournament was the night that was when the significant others could join their men and celebrate another great tournament. So, because it's something he looks forward to every year and so do I, I made sure he didn't cancel and he went and had fun with his friends. We needed "normal".
While he had his tournament, I had a pre-op appointment back at UW and had planned to meet with my parents. I needed someone there because it's been very normal for me to listen and suddenly realize I didn't hear a word anyone said...because I just didn't want to hear anymore. We met with my doctor and she went over the procedure again, only this time, I really paid attention to the fact that she'd said, "While we have you open, we will remove and test two lymph nodes to make sure the cancer didn't spread. If either come out positive, we'll stop the procedure and discuss next steps." That sounded fine with me - just her being cautious.
Mom and dad had several questions and I had a handful. Some of the answers I got back were upsetting. Can't use the pool, no sex for almost 3 months, recovery time and pain, and then...the rest was white noise. After that portion of the appointment, I was scheduled for labs and then an appointment with the anesthesiologist. Mom and dad had agreed that mom would hang back with me and then we'd grab lunch after everything. Mom was talking with the nurse a lot while making our way to the labs and dad was talking with me about some stuff and it wasn't until I got to the lab that I decided I wanted to just be alone. It wasn't personal or anything...but I needed that moment to take all that was discussed and just allow myself to be in my head with my own thoughts. I found that while I'm worried for myself, I'm worried about everyone around me too. I know they're all scared and have a million questions, but I knew right then that I needed to really take that time for me. I couldn't get my head around what's happening, and also try to show my parents that I'm totally fine with what's going on and I'm not worried and I'm not scared and everything is going to be awesome. Because I didn't feel that way and trying to show that was making me tired and very emotional. With all the questions being asked and all the information being thrown at me, I felt like I was suffocating.
So, I sent mom and dad on their way and I could tell they were worried and I know they thought maybe they'd done something wrong...but no. I just didn't want to talk about it any more. I had my other appointments and that was going to be the extent of what I talked about. I went and got my labs and could feel myself getting worked up emotionally. My thoughts were, "I just want to be left the fuck alone!!!" I didn't want tests run. I didn't want to be poked. I didn't want to answer questions. I was over it all and nothing had even started yet. I met with the anesthesiologist and kept that meeting short and to the point. When that was done, I took myself out to lunch at Aqua down by the water and quickly scarfed down my tacos before heading to a Starbucks to do my job.
I worked and got things taken care of and found that day happened to be the day when everyone wanted to call and text and check up on me. It was nice and I caught myself tearing up while explaining things. Ugh - these god damn tears!! It wasn't taking much to make my eyeballs start leaking. I wrapped up work and then sat in Seattle traffic for an hour before making it back to mom and dad's to have dinner. That day gave me some insight on myself and where my boundaries are with the people I care about and the information I'm taking in. There's only so much I can talk about in one sitting and only so much emotional strength that I can hang on to.
James and I have both had our falling-apart moments, but we've also been incredibly optimistic. Although we've both put on a brave face and do what we can to be positive, every once in a while we'd shed some tears because this isn't like getting a tooth pulled...this is major surgery to remove cancer from my body. We're scared and we're sad.
I've had many nights on our front porch either sitting in the chair next to him or sitting on his lap while we held each other. He had a major golf tournament that he's played in for several years and was ready to cancel it if I said the word. I didn't say it because I was fully aware that the last night of the tournament was the night that was when the significant others could join their men and celebrate another great tournament. So, because it's something he looks forward to every year and so do I, I made sure he didn't cancel and he went and had fun with his friends. We needed "normal".
While he had his tournament, I had a pre-op appointment back at UW and had planned to meet with my parents. I needed someone there because it's been very normal for me to listen and suddenly realize I didn't hear a word anyone said...because I just didn't want to hear anymore. We met with my doctor and she went over the procedure again, only this time, I really paid attention to the fact that she'd said, "While we have you open, we will remove and test two lymph nodes to make sure the cancer didn't spread. If either come out positive, we'll stop the procedure and discuss next steps." That sounded fine with me - just her being cautious.
Mom and dad had several questions and I had a handful. Some of the answers I got back were upsetting. Can't use the pool, no sex for almost 3 months, recovery time and pain, and then...the rest was white noise. After that portion of the appointment, I was scheduled for labs and then an appointment with the anesthesiologist. Mom and dad had agreed that mom would hang back with me and then we'd grab lunch after everything. Mom was talking with the nurse a lot while making our way to the labs and dad was talking with me about some stuff and it wasn't until I got to the lab that I decided I wanted to just be alone. It wasn't personal or anything...but I needed that moment to take all that was discussed and just allow myself to be in my head with my own thoughts. I found that while I'm worried for myself, I'm worried about everyone around me too. I know they're all scared and have a million questions, but I knew right then that I needed to really take that time for me. I couldn't get my head around what's happening, and also try to show my parents that I'm totally fine with what's going on and I'm not worried and I'm not scared and everything is going to be awesome. Because I didn't feel that way and trying to show that was making me tired and very emotional. With all the questions being asked and all the information being thrown at me, I felt like I was suffocating.
So, I sent mom and dad on their way and I could tell they were worried and I know they thought maybe they'd done something wrong...but no. I just didn't want to talk about it any more. I had my other appointments and that was going to be the extent of what I talked about. I went and got my labs and could feel myself getting worked up emotionally. My thoughts were, "I just want to be left the fuck alone!!!" I didn't want tests run. I didn't want to be poked. I didn't want to answer questions. I was over it all and nothing had even started yet. I met with the anesthesiologist and kept that meeting short and to the point. When that was done, I took myself out to lunch at Aqua down by the water and quickly scarfed down my tacos before heading to a Starbucks to do my job.
I worked and got things taken care of and found that day happened to be the day when everyone wanted to call and text and check up on me. It was nice and I caught myself tearing up while explaining things. Ugh - these god damn tears!! It wasn't taking much to make my eyeballs start leaking. I wrapped up work and then sat in Seattle traffic for an hour before making it back to mom and dad's to have dinner. That day gave me some insight on myself and where my boundaries are with the people I care about and the information I'm taking in. There's only so much I can talk about in one sitting and only so much emotional strength that I can hang on to.
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